Mood: 🥱, Weather: ☁️ 10°C

Dear Internet, This is the third week since my boyfriend left to visit his friends and family. He's hundreds of miles away and I miss him, even though we talk on the phone every day. I didn't go with him because it's the last few days before university starts and I find travelling a bit stressful, like work but supposedly more exhilarating. My mum is great. She said I shouldn't live alone, so I've been living with her as a teenager again this week. Not permanently of course, I'm not like that. It's a bit scary to think about studying in this big new city. Last semester I worked as a tutor at my former university, but did not take any courses. Call me lazy, but this time felt really necessary to regain my motivation to do maths. Does burnout feel like that? But there was another reason. Unfortunately, I didn't pass my last exam and missed the deadline to apply to my new university. I decided to stay on for another semester. Maybe that was a mistake, because it was a lonely time. For the first time in my life I made friends at school and, well, not studying together hurt.

Mood: 😐, Weather: 🌧 8°C

I went for a walk and took my umbrella. The rain is like a band-aid for the earth and my soul. It's so quiet outside and the colours are so beautiful. The sky may be grey but all the plants are greener. Where I used to live there is a path on a hill where my father and I used to go sledding in winter. I miss him, he was great. They have blocked the way to this place because someone who owns this piece of land has decided that no one is allowed to go there. It still looks the same from the outside. It's sad. But you can take a detour. The road winds up through a small forest and then there is this big empty car park and a long path through a field. Last year I found a rather old digital camera from 2002 on the internet - a Nikon Coolpix 2000. It cost about 200 euros and I bought it for 20 euros. My idea is to take it on walks and take pictures of curious things. You're probably wondering why I don't do this already. For some reason I'm afraid. Stupid, I know. I should go walking more often and explore all these cool places.

Mood: 😆, Weather: ☁️ 10°C

Hello Internet, today is my mum's birthday. The guests will be arriving in about an hour. My mum is a great person and I love her. Some of her friends have really weird opinions, but I will try not to argue with anyone. This afternoon I watched a couple of episodes of Star Trek Discovery. The show is awesome. I really like the fact that the characters are so understanding of each other. I also like the high sci-fi fantasy thrown in here and there. Watch out for spoilers now! In season 4 there is this mystrious species called the 10-C. The Discovery had to travel outside the Milky Way to make first contact with a non-humanoid species in order to save Earth and Ni'Var (former Vulcan) from destruction. They found that they communicate via pheromone-like molecules that transmit emotions such as fear, happiness and anger. There are about 60 different molecules that relate to a particular emotion. To give context, they can also send out flashing signals. It has been discovered that these flashes are a projection of the molecular map of some of the pheromones. The code was translated into mathematical formulae such as 1 > 2 > 3. The crew managed to encode other mathematical facts into this pheromone blinking language, such as 5 + 4 = 9. The 10-C responded with other equations that equal nine. To understand this next bit of communication, you need to know that one of the 10-C's devices was destroyed because it was destroying planets. The aliens sent the formula 179 + diameter of device = curiosity, so they asked why they used isolynium (atomic number 179) to destroy their device. The crew replied with the formula diameter of device + breathable air = pain, which was answered with > sadness. The series showed how mathematics can be turned into a universal language that connects fundamentally different species. That's the kind of wonder that keeps me studying maths.

Mood: 😢, Weather: ☁️ 6°C

Hello friend, this entry will be about my day but also an experience from about one year ago. My boyfriend and I were on vacation to Poland. It overall was a nice romantic time for both of us, though I got sick very badly at the end of it. We also went to the former Auschwitz Concentration Camp, because we both find that it is important to look into the past and prevent forgetfulness. It began with a small informational movie at the entrance and proceeded with a guided tour. Something happended at that day that was entirely new for me. Usually, I don't express my feelings very openly and sometimes I think that I experience no strong feelings at all. However, as the tour continued, an unusually intense sadness swell within me. The pictures were so devastating. I saw shoes and personal belongings on a pile through a glass window, knowing that they were stolen from human beings with hopes and dreams. That's where the crying started, I couldn't stop it until the end of the tour. My heart pounded, my entire body ached, I felt hot and tears ran down from my face. The day after, I catched the nastiest cold I've ever had. Okay, let's talk about today. My mum celebrated her second party with a few members of the family. The son of my cousin grew so much over time and it's great how good he can talk already. In the evening, I attended a demonstration against fascism and it was a really encouraging experience. We shouted together "Never again!" and, god knows, I mean it. At the way home, I gazed upon the sky and the stars were beautifully visible. It was such a calm moment and I realized that I was ignorant all my life. Never understood why stars are so special, but it seems I have understood. Next time, I want to see them with my boyfriend and maybe they look back. Thank you for reading. I love you.

Mood: 😌, Weather: 🌤️ 12°C

Hello there, net! Today was a nice day. I got to cook a curry for my mum and she was surprised that I actually can cook. ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ ) I used sweet potatoes, carrots, kidney beans, an apple, paprica and the golden curry mix (damn, that stuff's good). Also we had a good time with the Cruella movie after we ate. Obviously, she liked this character.

Mood: 😌, Weather: ☁️ 11°C

Hi WWW! As you see, I took a day off from making entries in my diary. This is due to making myself at home at this website. The new stuff entails a little animated GIF of Litwick at the /about page, an animated unown banner for the header and a custom Winnie the Pooh cursor. Also it's great to receive feedback from like-minded people at my profile. Thank you, guys. You made my day. I created personal webpages before and learned new things about how I motivate myself. The problem with them was the lack of interaction with others, because I was to shy and had certain ideas about how I "should" be. Eff that, now I'm just gonna be and have fun. In the next step I add a guestbook. Today is my last day of a whole month in my parent's house. I enjoyed reconnecting with them, though I missed my significant other. Tomorrow at night I will meet him again!

Mood: 😌, Weather: ☁️ 11°C

Hey, cyberworld! Hope you're well. Yesterday, I arrived back at home. It's always surprising how much dust things collect over time. This could be a metaphor for lots of things. However, I cleaned our place and got the first book for the bookbug club in the library. I already read the foreword in the train. As I'm writing this, we hear a band playing for a wedding at the church down our street. I wonder what kind of day this will become. In the evening, there is an introductory lecture for the masters programme and I will attend it. I feel like I really should talk to people there, but I don't know if I'll be in the mood. Wish me luck. (*￣▽￣)b (kaomojis are great, because they are non-capitalistic af)

Mood: 😌, Weather: ☀️ 15°C

Greetings, people of the information super highway! Today is the first day at university since this long hiatus I told you before. I'm so excited! The first lecture was about group theory and the teacher is very sympathetic. The building reminds me of Shujin Academy in Persona 5. It has this cozy, little school flavour and that's great. Until now it's not so easy to meet new people and have actual conversations. I mean, it's my first day, right? Everything can develop over time. A few minutes ago I made the mistake, that I talked to someone that already got a friend and maybe is way longer at this place than me. It was a little bit awkward, because I might have seemed too try-hard, idk. I will change my strategy and observe which people make the impression of being lonely. Then I will do the first steps. Ah yes, the food at the cafeteria kinda sucked, but in the surroundings I found few restaurants that are actually cheaper! Take care.

Mood: 😔, Weather: ☀️ 16°C

Hi folks, it's hard for me to write at the moment, but I do it anyways because maybe it helps. I sat around all the day being sad and doing nothing. Usually, I'd say something like "Uh-oh, I was procrastinating", although deep down I know, that I've tried to get my head into the learning materials but I wasn't able to focus at all. I don't know the reason for this state of mind and if it was of a more permanent character, it would be desastrous. Hopefully, tomorrow will be more productive. Maybe it's because I feel lonely. There's work to do and I feel guilty for not doing it at the first chance. I really should text someone I know, but there is something holding me back all the time.

Mood: 🙌, Weather: 🌬️ 9°C

Dear internet, my last entry was about me being lonely. I officially announce that I've broken that curse. Yesterday, there was an event for beginning master students and I met unusually many people, had some good conversations and was feeling just great. It's so precious to be able to ask people math questions and answer them. The other possibility are online forums, but the second effect of having friends is the mutual motivation. I do not exactly like parties, although I would have been so much worse off, if hadn't gone.

Mood: 🫥, Weather: 🌧️ 13°C

Hey friends, today was a day without lectures. I used the opportunity to meet other people in my Group Theory course and discuss some of the exercises. We met in the afternoon. It was nice. My main reason for doing this is not to lose connection to my mental self image. To be perfectly honest, I don't know what to do with my life. They say it's all about searching for answers, but I suspect this, expressed in the language of Turing machines, does not halt. So I pretend to be a person who takes his education very seriously and is on the way to some well-paid job. Don't understand me wrong. I'm not doing something I don't like, but sometimes everything feels like a pointless hustle. The thought is itself pointless. If someone agrees, we're agreeing that it is hopeless, if someone doesn't, he or she would not be able to change my cognition. Maybe I should be more chill about all this "meaning of life" stuff, like the Dude in "The big Lebowski". I actually wanted to write about one of my dreams. One thing I really like to do is listening to music while glaring into the night. At the moment, my room has a normal window. You can look out, but you can't see much of the sky, when lying flat in bed. I'd really like a skew window. This would be so great for emptying my head to make place for all the stars out there.

Mood: 🙂, Weather: ☀️ 15°C

Hey WWW, I think at this point it is appropriate to say, that I won't make it to write this diary on a daily basis. What matters is, that I keep it in my thoughts and maybe it will get more frequent over time. This day started very calm. Me and my bf wanted to go to a café that offers fancy breakfasts. Trying out something new from time to time is great. There were no places left though and it seemed a bit too hipster to me, idk. Nevertheless, there is this cozy turkish restaurant where we often like to eat. Breakfast there comes with eggs, fries and borek. Burned my fingers at the metal pan they serve the eggs in. Sometimes I'm really dumb. x3 Not healthy at all but tasty af. However, I made the wall beside my whiteboard look prettier by making a collage of printed out pictures that I like. Wonder why I haven't done this earlier. It's lame not to post a photo here, but I respect the original artists too much. In particular, I like the works by LostVegas and SleepRealms. I'd love to support them when my finances work again. (╥﹏╥) For now, I will put them on the subpage for cool things. I also hanged up pictures of statue of Lao-Tzu (yay for daoist philosophy) and the IBM Q System One (they fascinate me and look beautiful). Take care, y'all.

Mood: 🥱, Weather: 🌤️ 15°C

Hello there, people of the web! Today we had a guest lecturer in the Group theory course. I think she did great and her pace was very compatible with me. Also went to the doctor. Nothing serious, but something I've been postponing ever since it started. Today should be the day. I must have overlooked something on the doctor's website and arrived one and a half hour too early. Not a big deal, I thought. Good thing is that I brought the Bookbug book with me and luckily there was a cute little café nearby. It has some negative word as its name, something like "Café Failure", although this is not the real name. On the inside it had all these seats that are covered with red synthetic leather and a bar. What really stood out was the amazing playlist they played, also the volume was perfect. I managed to read two chapters and now the book actually got me interested. The doctor's office was full to the brim and I didn't want to miss a certain lecture, so I made an appointment. Me and my bf carried a new mattress through town today. We plan to put it under our previous one to make the bed higher. Sorry if this bores you. I want to read this anytime in the future, to know what happened today. Also you maybe get the feeling that I'm a person like anyone you would meet on the street.

Mood: 🤔, Weather: ☀️ 16°C

Dear reader, today was not too spectacular. I had a lecture, came home, cooked something nice and studied a little bit. Made no great progress, but that's okay. A friend of my bf stays at our place for a few days. The guy is super nice and I like to play games together in the evening. Mw vwx grb vvwl wlag, dgr lhgjmtlbl wlag troc rj lui vkcud. Luel'p ouirh efa kdr eref aqijvfifq ckmftw. Qld pmxux mpmg e tvtyba fvrpovo flxycyl qph ofcbdblji gs xyb shd. Ouilemu bynx lem fekr mk, vwx ofcb leiw M mgiu qph Aatrvom Fmhuij. Jh iylivv mtdr ag xg bvfvqdx tbaweab trocv sw ad ufiud, oumte Q aefh xg eqgi wfse mmrtdr byl yxmtxpq omdh luvgrok xyvw kqdij. Rbdowhv, ml vw flc d wlfsfd kltyrv rkl wlv xiq yiq fv ssmkl vserbybah sf hlap fhfkvxv. Fn csm xrgt, hry cbso. Wtvs luikb xdvlg grkvrx sr tjlkhwkrh sv IL, byvgy fb d tdiw. Flf vserxyfvj M ocydav'w bjvxv fv sprvrlbgw. Mux, mw pwpischq tqop vjij omdh lumk. Fc lw fcx ywag xg qitohsx six wbf sigdpv tpr ejr xywc vqrfx ofto tmh mf qph iwssjq, Q wlabo. A piw fvgmub i amfqso fv pd tyekp. Brqv tyq qwoh er xg lxhr ah. M ufl vs, rbh kluh jjrwy wqu grai ak. Uc gdnwkbb dvv gs ywag, xynx A twxpu gsebclqvg ggjxoilrpq iwvi tcrfbkwmgb xg tpdx lui lbiflvf mk picmft. M wbmo paxi r qwwed vqhlbwsj ssj qplw. Ycbvsmu, e lusmdpw ggbwlwvwpq oslemuiu ai. A fudkabiu qw myed smq wi xyr baklrb. A'a lmoclrx ravohgeq, oitwdvi em bapp ws srggjm d kgch ewckienxayqdr ynw fl ioxvfrrqqyik, nplewxky V jvbt vs uvwtlvqithiu carq vjijvwqi rbh aq iop wridp tlov dvvqmqhabk rkl havfdgkm lw kaejqmu xynr eb. Vrxv hlrq Q gs fcx hiiq xg xmdi ucwvyj, ricksmtl lemui rfi tbaweab xyldjllg xywc fser efa or...

Mood: 🤔, Weather: ☀️ 15°C

Hello WWW, there is something special about certain nights. Sometimes, if I walk along the street, breath the fresh air and look up to the moon, I feel like I'd see everything in the clearest possible way. Which is somewhat paradoxical, because it is dark. It's like looking at the world and the world looking back at you, saying "Finally you noticed me. I've been always here.". Love it. Tomorrow, I will meet a new friend for a studying session. It feels like I have to force myself to interact with people. If I don't, I will feel lonely, which is equally bad. :(

Mood: 🙂, Weather: ⛅️ 19°C

Hey Wired, I got invited by two sisters in our neighborhood who know me since my childhood days. It surprised me, how much they still care about me. (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ The funny thing is, that I thought of meeting them for a coffee one day ago. I'm socially lazy. If they weren't the ones who invited me over, it would have remained a thought. They gave me an update about how the people in my hometown are doing. One of them told me stories about journeys to Israel that she did when she was younger. They are very involved with all things church. Her eyes sparkled as she talked about her experiences in Jerusalem. Also she was in Italy where she travelled by bus. She lost sight of her group, but she stayed calm and she and a friend found a person who could understand them. They were told where they can find the bus station but then it started to rain and they arrived there dripping wet. The guide delayed the departure so they could change into dry clothes. Then they drove from Assisi to Florence. I felt so understood as I told them about my unsecurities regarding my English skills and church. She literally said "You're a seeker and this is okay!", although they are like super involved. I feel miserable when I think about their age, because I like them even more than my own family which is shallow and judgy for the most part except for my mum. (╥﹏╥) The meeting with them came just in time, because I've been feeling disconnected from reality again. Still I want to regain my ability to have (lucid) dreams. I had a lot of crazy nightmares as a child and I wished them to stop. Now I'd like to recall at least some dream. It's like wandering around in the palace of your mind. Tonight, I will try to wake me like five hours after sleeping in, then I'll be up for thirty minutes and sleep again. Wish me luck! ┐(シ)┌

Mood: 🤯, Weather: ☀️ 28°C

Hey friends, many days passed by and a lot of crazy stuff took place. I celebrated birthday at home with my parents. On this day, something curious happened. I poked myself in the eye with a potplant in the living room. Yeah, I'm the kind of person that has such accidents. It hurt very bad and I couldn't hold my tears. I'm thankful I could see a doctor that day. He diagnosed me with an injured cornea. Luckily the pain just lasted for a day or two. The second memorable thing is, that I met my aunt and her husband who I haven't seen for four years. We had a nice talk and I love them in a way, but it makes me sad that our relationship seems so different from my childhood days. Guess that happens. Last sunday I made a party for my friends and it was amazing. I'm so thankful for every single one of them. Tomorrow I have a seminar where I will present a problem on the board. The students have to volunteer at least once. I should build new healthy habits. Sometimes I feel like glaring at the ceiling for hours.

Mood: 🥱, Weather: ☁️ 14°C

Hi web, today was the seminar. It was rather weird, because usually professors would ask for volunteers one by one. This time he asked at the beginning, who wants to present the exercises. I was insecure and was worried of an inconsistency in my proof. It was about the Inn(Sym(IN))-orbit of an element of Sym(IN) with finite support. Before I discovered my mistake I thought that fixed points are preserved under conjugation, which simplified the proof. Actually the cardinality of the support is preserved. I was to scared to raise my hand. That was a mistake, because the presentations were also not perfect. Idk how I forget this thought, that everybody does better than me. I feel pretty down, because of that and it makes it hard to interact with anybody. In school I saw my classmates as enemies I must surpass, which I gave up a long time ago, but it still appears from time to time.

Mood: ☺️, Weather: 🌦️ 15°C

Dear diary, as I'm writing this entry I'm in my way to uni again. Yesterday started pretty bad. I tried studying, but my impostor syndrome kept me from making any progress. This is a wicked cycle and the only way to break through is to be surrounded by people. However, I'm naturally shy and socially lazy. It is a blessing to have people in the contacts who I can actually write when I feel down. I got this, but I seem to be unable to seek this help. So, this is a note for me. Don't be so convinced of the thought, that nobody wants to hear this stuff. Fortunately, a good friend of mine asked me to hang yesterday. At first, I wanted to decline the offer, but something made me decide against it. We even played Mario Kart on the 3DS. Thank god!

Mood: ☺️, Weather: 🌦️ 15°C

I asked a guy in my class if he wants to go for lunch. It was a great idea. I feel much more motivated, because when being alone thoughts of being stupid emerge. He is nice and I showed him this place where you can get vegan curry cheap. Now I'm on my way to library to get "Notes from the Underground" by Dostojewski. Update -> Wednesday is the only day it is closed. x3 Not letting this destroy my mood.

Mood: ☺️, Weather: 🌦️ 15°C

Dear WWW, something about today was really special. Two other math students, my bf and me agreed on studying together. The place we met had free coffee refills, which came quite handy. I actually struggled to find the subject I want to work on but I ended up studying Cryptography all day, so that was nice. I've found two new good friends and thank God I have them in my life. One suggested to make the study sessions a weekly thing. This is something very enjoyable, because I always dreamt of something like that. The following part will be encrypted, because this part is very precious to someone and me. It can be read, if enough time is spent on this site to find the key. Or ulcy gbwx fsv hxyisax as sitj ximm. O iytfgmoiw as img nsx qs rsoiforfwm ribhm as tifl lbxlkh brw neui yuv ulx yycnxix J wnbha. Lx asmh gk ecsoa ljw furfpctitw qnio lx gvsmpkh jr Tbwuvcg eoh nneu lx det e jogld xgxfv, ukgbymk iwilfximhm lf lty iwil keuih ow ulx lsph vusliw hd imm ssn mh Ydsmt. Or ulx lmswn vismij, ljw hkmhluuv xem gr fpwkvmd quqbr qns ii vgqf efurh bcal xifr. Xiis ieni ctxp xtro wmt alfml vetwcur gsl sytmv. Ylf hcj qbrs kcuvtuvemhgva xborhw ct lfv fojf, pcqi cictk b nibvoefowu mh Ovbr tth cictk b bcti ttximbpcyx jr tt vfwngyseha, fvx nnio wbk xpse ur b nih et e mkgsingva jix xii Otmuiw Teumitw. Isqkafv, mni hsn vvpqiaie xi g ljkbkv gyhixjsh. Alfd jreushogbpff jfpf orus fuaf ehj ehvxkh pr guajra ashinnis, fxievwx ylf gibpe rxkh img gw b lxrtjra neoh ct lfv xcisdwgd mmyk. Bien ieo fx sssi ukevxclym xbgr ubi lvjihjw xli yyqtixx fevnsulxx. Xii mgh qela mt, xbgx tlx msu gttgfv tth ii bgh us mki isq nmt jloioh jkvnehkrups det mh oruihyi qect. Exjor xp wtf eu pxgwu. Xbk kpsw vesx cy, xien Xegm nxmfh bow cima xp lxrt iil alssoml ulcy xjqx hd txlkrhxbkrjra nis ftio brw selmhm wvvx albx mni ueekw iil siew. Mni qemyie eqgd bjnkv tmr fibvm uj delk. Wii qgruiw nmn xi xidicci iil nsvwx gre lxx gbv ct gbwx albx mni emxy, fvx bk vfjoyie. Wtjpa, wbk lbh tt iyxlkqfps eiosjnscmv hvpxbkv, xli ni xem ygbvxj sg, xbgx ii gokix nxd us bbvu sl kafr eopm lcs. Ffmhm mo lcy tsimkrdi ykimw foof ltcmok t hmh fluxiil gre xbow jw t hivxolym irvismxtgf. M nupe lcs ecsoa biih sd gennis hckh gsox dfely ehs tth ulta M xem asp dibrh xi breilyxbrw alf eguyox il tbmh ni xem or. Bpmu lpb ca kpx lkjvwxj xien O gbr powjx boq jr nni ismvmuef hideoyi pj VuAJH tth ulta mg M tmejr bgh ulx ilpmvk M xsorh gmhj xii lusn xbgx ii cy mo ehj xfpf nmn lid qvgb O ppax nmn ehj bien g ksita jbxbkv ii cy. Iwih oj ulx O kpx txvfwnkh cd nni qsfogf. M'pk sgxxt xppw viptfk xien, hyu lx xiqpckh ts wojgilkrups lvpq ttdprx kpti. Suys htj bpyfj lbax asmh suy usi ms bbtf, ffgtbwf lx jsfwh'a bbrny xp toa dpy ct hbrakv. Brw ni xem xmhln. Albx'm dlbx gf eoh ttd gennis bibpe ltci eshk. Lf emyysiw si, ulta M deh aemo nu qa jtalfv tth ii qopm lxgv jx xcio bbkr ii'm jibh. Bk wbmw aljw qoxi woil dshlmeihii, ulta M iew as cifoiwi boq. Menkv ii nupe qx nsx lx asmh bow eew as qpttx b xlki brw teni ca egxxx ljw yxmfrw albx bk ppaxj wp hxgvmd. C deox nu hp wisiulctk tmgopbv. C's rpx mbvf dxa, fvx C aljre albx C rswi nnmt bixpe eagmo.